How To Cope When You Lose An 'Anchor'

417063552_0f912e87db_m.jpgAs many of you know, a few months ago my long

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term girlfriend and I decided to split up. Although the move was ‘right’ for both of us, it has taken me a little while to discern what I miss most about the relationship, and about her specifically.

Well, the purpose of this article is not to be a long diatribe about my emotional state of being since the break up (sorry to disappoint you sap seekers). BUT I do want to discuss the concept of having ‘anchors’ in our lives and what to do when an important one unhinges itself from your existence.

Relationships Can Be Awesome Anchors

One of the beautiful pieces my relationship with Irina was the fact that she was a very stabilizing force in my life. She was (and still is) a very peaceful, structured and regimented person who relishes the simplest ways of living.

During the years we went out these traits seeped into my own way of being and as a result I became more peaceful, structured and regimented. This was certainly NOT how I was before I met her, and I reaped many practical benefits from learning how to be this way.

So I not only miss the person who she was, but also the securing way her energy allowed me to mature and become a better person. [And if you are reading this Irina, yes, I am extremely thankful and grateful to you for being such a solid and stable presence during our time together]!

Losing a strong anchor like this can be difficult, and when it happens the first step is to become aware the affect its void is having. There are several more things you can do, and here are some helpful recommendations:

1. Become Aware of Other Anchors

The great thing about anchors in our lives is that unlike ships, people can have many of them. When you lose something stabilizing, it is important to ask yourself: what was it about that thing, person or activity that made you feel happy and secure?

Many of you have noticed that my writings on We The Change have dramatically decreased over the last few months. I think this is because I have been going through the process of transitioning out of old ways of being into new, higher vibrating paradigms.

This growth process often requires patience and a sense of stillness. I am a high energy person living in Manhattan (the most frenetic place in the world) and it is extremely difficult for me to cultivate patience and stillness, even when I know I need it.

For me, this often results in feelings of frustration and over the last few months I have experienced un-motivation, insecurity and apathy…and I get angry because these traits are so unlike me! And not having the wonderful anchor of Irina has made it even tougher.

But these times (which we all experience) are destined to pass and now that I am broaching the upside of the transition I see that We The Change, and the mere act of writing for it, is a huge anchor in my life that has been missing.

So how can you start recognizing what anchors feel like? Simple: they make you feel secure, stable and just plain good! Writing these articles makes me feel amazing, gives me a sense of stillness and is therefore a very beautiful anchor. Other anchors may include:

– Spending time with family and friends
– Focusing on meaningful work
– Being in nature (Mother Earth is our greatest anchor of all)
– Getting lost in a great book
– Spiritual practices like meditation
– Emotions, like love and gratitude

When you feel like you have lost something significant, you have to honor it. But there are plenty of other significant things to anchor onto, and we have plenty of abundance around us all the time.

2. Remember The Greatest Anchor of All

My first piece of advice—looking for other anchors—is a beneficial practice but pales in importance to the following axiom: that the greatest anchor you have, and will ever have, resides within you and is also accessible to you at all times for the rest of your life!

YOU are your greatest anchor, and you always will be. The power to make yourself feel stable, calm and peaceful is there for you at every moment. When you begin to feel lost and adrift, the best thing to do is to quiet your mind, take several deep breaths, and purposefully find the tranquility inside of you.

Recently I had my birth chart completed (which shows how the ‘stars were aligned’ at the exact time of my birth) and not to my surprise I was ALL fire and air signs. Because I had absolutely no earth energy at the time of my birth, I am

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compelled to be high energy, lofty, flighty and idealistic with little a sense of grounding. All true.

For people like me, it is REALLY important to find and utilize anchors in our lives. Ask yourself: what about the things in this article resonates with me in terms of gaining

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more stability in my life? How I can I begin to use myself as an anchor?

I can tell you this, just becoming aware that we all need stabilizing energies, or earth energy, in our lives is a huge bonus. As always feel free to comment below and I look forward to your thoughts!

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32 Responses to “How To Cope When You Lose An 'Anchor'”

  1. Todd:

    A couple of anchors you mentioned above that are my favorites:

    1. meditation (sometimes I fall asleep – ah, how good that feels!)

    2. reading a very good, absorbing book – love that! Have read some very good books that made time fly by so fast

    3. spending quality time with good friends who are on the same “wavelength” as me – we agree to disagree respectfully at times but have the same outlook on life – we support one another – I love “philosophizing” with friends. This is a great anchor for me.

  2. This is a great article and concept, Todd! You got me thinking about my anchors – everything work-related is an anchor, because I adore my work. When my three-year-old is not creating a hurricane, she is an anchor. Spiritual practice is a huge anchor. The anchor I’ve been neglecting is wood-working! It’s 110 degrees in Phoenix and no way am I getting into my garage to bust out the table saw. But when it’s cooler here, I can get completely absorbed and grounded in that hobby.


  3. farouk says:

    really inspiring :)

  4. Todd,

    Great to see you posting again buddy. It’s strange how some of our blogging buddies have disappeared in recent months. I always knew you would be back though :)

    In regards to this article, completely agree with everything you say. When I think of “anchors”, my first instinct is to think of my family. But what you say is true: the greatest anchor lies within us. Even the strongest of intimate relationships can fall apart, and it is at these times we need to draw strength from within.

  5. I’ve found the most powerful anchor in my life is my 1 1/2 year old son – the incredible amount of joy his presence brings to any room he’s in is just incredible.

    When I am with him, the world melts away… thoughts disappear – especially when we’re playing and running around the house.

    My wife sometimes teases me, “No roughhousing in the house!” But she’s only teasing because she gets a delight out of it too and we haven’t broken anything (yet). :)

    (Though even if we did, none of us would care… it’s just ‘stuff’ and the ‘stuff’ can’t compare with the complete joy that pervades)

  6. I most certainly understand how tough it can be to lose someone, and a great anchor to begin with! I’m already embarking on all the other anchors that you mention; so I know that they really help!

    It is great that you are spending the time to gain a greater connection with your Self. Oh yes…like you, I was also told that I needed more earth energies to stay grounded!


  7. Hey, I’m just glad to see you back, Todd!

    This post reminds me of Andrea’s post on grounding energies — and you approach the topic in such a personal special way. I think you might need extra dose of grounding just because of your surroundings. I’d go wacky just staying Manhattan for longer than 5 days . . .

    One of my favorite way to feel peace and calm is cooking. There is something nurturing to the soul about washing the veggies, methodically cutting them, and cooking them slowly in the golden broth. . . and it nurtures the body, too!

  8. Ari Koinuma says:

    I can relate. If I’m home alone without my wife or kids, I get lost. Sure, I have things to do on my own — lots. But right now they do the heavy lifting in terms of giving me joy and reasons to live. I’ll survive without them (hopefully that’ll never happen!) but it’ll be a major shift, to put it mildly.


  9. Patricia says:

    Recently made a change in my career from one type of healing to another, and suddenly realized I really needed more secure and reliable anchoring to even begin to feel like a benign conduit, and not get sucked into the twirling energies of my clients.
    Needed clearing and self/hypnosis, meditation really helped.
    Whenever I recognized that I was being pulled into a spin, identifying the pattern of what caused the spin and then using self-hypnosis to meet with guides, or remember, replay, and allow wisdom in, really has changed the fear of spinning into almost a bliss, as it is an opportunity to learn.
    Definitely daily meditation, as you say, you are your own best anchor.

  10. Todd says:

    WOW guys, thanks for all the great responses. I was off today enjoying one of my anchors– GOLF. Man there is nothing better then being out in the green on a day like today…thanks again!

  11. [...] Todd Goldfarb returns from a short blogging break with a personal and insightful article, How to Cope When You Lose An ‘Anchor’. [...]

  12. Katie Bird says:

    My anchor is pretty lingerie. Backseam stockings. My corset.

    Forget boyfriends! I just want a bullet bra.

    Katie Bird

  13. Brad Baggett says:

    Todd, it is great to have you writing again. I too have had quite a break with everything going on in my life and am so happy that I have great anchors around me. I can not even imagine how it would be to loose on of the greatest anchors in my life, my wife, but you are exactly right about the biggest being with in ourselves. I hope you get back to more regular writing, because you are a great inspiration to me as to many others I’m sure!

  14. One of the biggest surprises of my adult life was realizing how strong of an anchor a pet can be. Having another creature being dependent on me has been very grounding.

    In the end, I’d agree that I’m my own greatest anchor. Regardless of what comes in life, I can take it on and that gives me tremendous comfort and even some guts.

  15. Meg says:

    I agree on Sara on Simplicity =) , on pets and urself

    thankyou todd for writing those words.. i am always grateful for people that do what they do best to share it to the world =)

    my anchor is my family and pets and i am grateful for that.. but i wish for sumone special (not nneone!) that is there 24/7. because sister and parents are different sometimes… they have their own lovers and you act towards your boyfriend differently than neone else….. i knoe that would be my real anchor….even if love might not last forever….i knoe that that NOW would be the best anchor ever =)
    hoping to meet my one

  16. Jon Carl Lewis says:

    thank you.

  17. Jef bueh says:

    A good meesage , but like you I lost my wife and children in a bitter divorce. ( I was going through interferon treatments for four years, I wigged)
    I will always remember how my family gave me a firm and solid ground. Yet I miss them , I realize what I was anchored to was giving of myself.
    No iI wont get them back , but I try daily to smile , compliment or talk to someone who is homeless.
    In truth it is better to give than receive.
    A great gift of sharing . Thank you

  18. [...] Todd Goldfarb returns from a short blogging break with a personal and insightful article, How to Cope When You Lose An ‘Anchor’. [...]

  19. farouk says:

    That was inspiring Todd :)

  20. Rebecca says:

    This was a wonderful piece. It is really the big thing that has been missing from my life since my boyfriend and I split in August. My job was not going well and my health was on the downside, so it has been hard to get back to normal. There was just not anything stable in my life. I lost the one anchor I had left. I am doing better now, but it has taken some time. But, like you said, just because we lose our anchor, doesn’t mean we can’t find another way to anchor ourselves. Thanks.

  21. Todd says:

    Thanks Rebecca….and I will tell you, time really does heal all!! Todd

  22. wincui says:

    dear todd,

    i was dumped by my bf of 7yrs barely 3 weeks ago.I don’t have much friends left to hang out or chat with as all r leading their own family life/ are too busy to acomodate to u.I have loads of burden to support; a hoarder mum, a jobless brother, a selfish younger sister….I thank god for the blessings of their health & well being but they just can;t work together to help me help them.I’ve alwaz appreciate what i have attained eventhough its not the best, but the recent breakup seems to be the most heart shattering event.i felt betrayed, used & taken for granted by everybody.I will b 30 this year (i knoe many says I m stil young but in reality, who wants to date a 30 yr old woman?)& i feel so hard to pick myself up to have a good mindset & to be positive again.I used to b very positive & was alwaz the one who brightens up other ppls life, many says I am the clown & my laughter brings joy to those who hears it…but now,I can’t even laugh from within but merely putting on a masks & faking it out.It just seems like my efforts are all useless.People just don’t appreciate it & they change fast. I can;t bring myself to terms to look foward to anything becoz of disapointments.I did my best in everything but it just dooms me to get shocks & disapointments over & over again… simple HOPES just seems like a dim light for me. I was very enlightened to the law of attraction, but i just can’t get over the fear of it all…. I will love him for the man he was…will i ever find my anchor or find my mind to attract better things?

  23. Todd says:

    Hi Wincui, and thank you for trusting your story on my blog. It really sucks what you are going through, and sounds like a ‘perfect storm’ of situations that can really bring you down.
    Your truest and most stable anchor is, and will always be, within you. Even though right now it is tough to feel this way, understand that time really does heal all. Well, maybe not ‘heal’ all but gives you perspective.
    Right now, give yourself time to heal. If you don’t feel like doing a whole lot…don’t. That is OK. Read, watch movies, paint…do whatever is enjoyable to you. Be selfish in a way. Let time work its magic. You will be OK, trust me, as long as you allow yourself to accept your life situation for what it is…and learn to smile at it!
    Much love to you, and know that there are so many who feel the same way you do right now :)

  24. wincui says:

    dear Todd,

    Thank you for the encouragement, maybe its truely time for me to be selfish for a moment & heal from all this one at a time. I hope in many more months to come, I can post to you the happier & better me. I will try my best & wil always try no matter how bad the storm is. Thank you for the wonderful site you’ve setup.It really helps to know there;s still caring people outside my own circle.

  25. It can be really hard to loose those that matter most to us, especially when someone dies. I think a lot of times though, that we are more interested in what we have lost versus what happened to the other person. We all have emotions that can run a muck at these times. We just have to control these emotions so that they don’t drag us down, don’t you think?

  26. Fred Carter says:

    Todd. Enjoyed your article on anchors. I lerned from NLP how to create meaningful and constructive anchors for myself. That gave me a useful handle to work with.

  27. [...] How To Cope When You Lose An Anchor [...]



    Found Tipping Point, the Shift, Barbara Marx Hubbard, Jean Houston, etc.

    LOVED the reminder that my strongest anchor is within me.

    Mahalo /Thanks from Maui , my anchor home for the last 22 years.

    Synchronicity Saves as we launch tomorrow into “Occupy Yourself” :)

    Love and blissings , kindred spirits.

  29. This is great. I’ve lost quite a number of people suddenly in my life over the past 2 years – it’s really difficult losing someone who makes you feel secure, loved and real in the world. It’s also hard losing relationships you have with the people who make you feel good. I felt very alone and dark at the time, but it’s an important question to ask what ‘was it that made you feel happy and secure’ (and real) – most of it was missed assurance and support, which sometimes, you have to find in yourself. It’s also nice that this idea of an anchor is such a broad concept that it can be applied too practically anything, too. :)

  30. Armour says:

    Dear Todd
    Great article.. Recently I have been depressed for a while and checking things on internet to find solutions to deal with this situation my life. and great to know that what is happening to me is not uncommon.
    Yes me too have lost a great anchor in my life my girlfriend. None of us wanted to to get apart but we had too the reasons which are not acceptable to me or her but we cant do anything. It has been months we are trying to get rid of aftereffects but it is very tough very tough. I agree with you finding other anchors in life I have my list too but concentrating on them is toughest part. At the same time the care about her makes me even weaker.
    I love your article , I have made my list of anchors to and have decided to follow it, but at the same time I am writing here for my girl friend she may have many anchors but she has to spend her rest of her life with somebody else how can she come out of it, yes I have been her greatest anchor and at this time when she wants to come out of this situation she can not look for anybody other than me and me too still rely on her.
    and this makes both of us unhappy.
    How can we help each other?

  31. nancy says:

    Dear armour

    it is very painful to b away from the person who meant so much in life, but still if situations are lk dat mns v just hv to move on in life. u can help each other by being just gud freinds with each other, if u r not with each other doesnt mean that v shd cut each and every contact,

  32. Aish says:

    hey… i know i am seeing this blog a little too late… but i am struggling to find an anchor in my life. I used to have 2-3 intimate friends who ditched me. Now m in such a deppressed state that i am failing all my exams. Being a topper it feels terrible but i am unable to get back my smile, my happiness, my peace of mind. I cry almost everyday trying to get over the feelings of rejection. any suggestions?

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