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How To Cope When You Lose An ‘Anchor’
By Todd | July 10, 2008
As many of you know, a few months ago my long term girlfriend and I decided to split up. Although the move was ‘right’ for both of us, it has taken me a little while to discern what I miss most about the relationship, and about her specifically.
Well, the purpose of this article is not to be a long diatribe about my emotional state of being since the break up (sorry to disappoint you sap seekers). BUT I do want to discuss the concept of having ‘anchors’ in our lives and what to do when an important one unhinges itself from your existence.
Relationships Can Be Awesome Anchors
One of the beautiful pieces my relationship with Irina was the fact that she was a very stabilizing force in my life. She was (and still is) a very peaceful, structured and regimented person who relishes the simplest ways of living.
During the years we went out these traits seeped into my own way of being and as a result I became more peaceful, structured and regimented. This was certainly NOT how I was before I met her, and I reaped many practical benefits from learning how to be this way.
So I not only miss the person who she was, but also the securing way her energy allowed me to mature and become a better person. [And if you are reading this Irina, yes, I am extremely thankful and grateful to you for being such a solid and stable presence during our time together]!
Losing a strong anchor like this can be difficult, and when it happens the first step is to become aware the affect its void is having. There are several more things you can do, and here are some helpful recommendations:
1. Become Aware of Other Anchors
The great thing about anchors in our lives is that unlike ships, people can have many of them. When you lose something stabilizing, it is important to ask yourself: what was it about that thing, person or activity that made you feel happy and secure?
Many of you have noticed that my writings on We The Change have dramatically decreased over the last few months. I think this is because I have been going through the process of transitioning out of old ways of being into new, higher vibrating paradigms.
This growth process often requires patience and a sense of stillness. I am a high energy person living in Manhattan (the most frenetic place in the world) and it is extremely difficult for me to cultivate patience and stillness, even when I know I need it.
For me, this often results in feelings of frustration and over the last few months I have experienced un-motivation, insecurity and apathy…and I get angry because these traits are so unlike me! And not having the wonderful anchor of Irina has made it even tougher.
But these times (which we all experience) are destined to pass and now that I am broaching the upside of the transition I see that We The Change, and the mere act of writing for it, is a huge anchor in my life that has been missing.
So how can you start recognizing what anchors feel like? Simple: they make you feel secure, stable and just plain good! Writing these articles makes me feel amazing, gives me a sense of stillness and is therefore a very beautiful anchor. Other anchors may include:
– Spending time with family and friends
– Focusing on meaningful work
– Being in nature (Mother Earth is our greatest anchor of all)
– Getting lost in a great book
– Spiritual practices like meditation
– Emotions, like love and gratitude
When you feel like you have lost something significant, you have to honor it. But there are plenty of other significant things to anchor onto, and we have plenty of abundance around us all the time.
2. Remember The Greatest Anchor of All
My first piece of advice—looking for other anchors—is a beneficial practice but pales in importance to the following axiom: that the greatest anchor you have, and will ever have, resides within you and is also accessible to you at all times for the rest of your life!
YOU are your greatest anchor, and you always will be. The power to make yourself feel stable, calm and peaceful is there for you at every moment. When you begin to feel lost and adrift, the best thing to do is to quiet your mind, take several deep breaths, and purposefully find the tranquility inside of you.
Recently I had my birth chart completed (which shows how the ‘stars were aligned’ at the exact time of my birth) and not to my surprise I was ALL fire and air signs. Because I had absolutely no earth energy at the time of my birth, I am compelled to be high energy, lofty, flighty and idealistic with little a sense of grounding. All true.
For people like me, it is REALLY important to find and utilize anchors in our lives. Ask yourself: what about the things in this article resonates with me in terms of gaining more stability in my life? How I can I begin to use myself as an anchor?
I can tell you this, just becoming aware that we all need stabilizing energies, or earth energy, in our lives is a huge bonus. As always feel free to comment below and I look forward to your thoughts!
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Topics: Perspective, Other Personal Growth, Relationships |
Todd:
A couple of anchors you mentioned above that are my favorites:
1. meditation (sometimes I fall asleep - ah, how good that feels!)
2. reading a very good, absorbing book - love that! Have read some very good books that made time fly by so fast
3. spending quality time with good friends who are on the same “wavelength” as me - we agree to disagree respectfully at times but have the same outlook on life - we support one another - I love “philosophizing” with friends. This is a great anchor for me.
Posted by: Stephen Hopson on July 10th, 2008 at 8:28 amThis is a great article and concept, Todd! You got me thinking about my anchors - everything work-related is an anchor, because I adore my work. When my three-year-old is not creating a hurricane, she is an anchor. Spiritual practice is a huge anchor. The anchor I’ve been neglecting is wood-working! It’s 110 degrees in Phoenix and no way am I getting into my garage to bust out the table saw. But when it’s cooler here, I can get completely absorbed and grounded in that hobby.
Blessings,
Posted by: Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul on July 10th, 2008 at 8:41 amAndrea
really inspiring
Posted by: farouk on July 10th, 2008 at 9:43 amTodd,
Great to see you posting again buddy. It’s strange how some of our blogging buddies have disappeared in recent months. I always knew you would be back though
In regards to this article, completely agree with everything you say. When I think of “anchors”, my first instinct is to think of my family. But what you say is true: the greatest anchor lies within us. Even the strongest of intimate relationships can fall apart, and it is at these times we need to draw strength from within.
Posted by: Peter | Pick The Brain on July 10th, 2008 at 10:48 amI’ve found the most powerful anchor in my life is my 1 1/2 year old son - the incredible amount of joy his presence brings to any room he’s in is just incredible.
When I am with him, the world melts away… thoughts disappear - especially when we’re playing and running around the house.
My wife sometimes teases me, “No roughhousing in the house!” But she’s only teasing because she gets a delight out of it too and we haven’t broken anything (yet).
(Though even if we did, none of us would care… it’s just ’stuff’ and the ’stuff’ can’t compare with the complete joy that pervades)
Posted by: Chris Cade | Spiritual Stories & Parables on July 10th, 2008 at 11:52 amI most certainly understand how tough it can be to lose someone, and a great anchor to begin with! I’m already embarking on all the other anchors that you mention; so I know that they really help!
It is great that you are spending the time to gain a greater connection with your Self. Oh yes…like you, I was also told that I needed more earth energies to stay grounded!
Evelyn
Posted by: Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map on July 10th, 2008 at 12:14 pmHey, I’m just glad to see you back, Todd!
This post reminds me of Andrea’s post on grounding energies — and you approach the topic in such a personal special way. I think you might need extra dose of grounding just because of your surroundings. I’d go wacky just staying Manhattan for longer than 5 days . . .
One of my favorite way to feel peace and calm is cooking. There is something nurturing to the soul about washing the veggies, methodically cutting them, and cooking them slowly in the golden broth. . . and it nurtures the body, too!
Posted by: Akemi - Yes to Me on July 10th, 2008 at 12:57 pmI can relate. If I’m home alone without my wife or kids, I get lost. Sure, I have things to do on my own — lots. But right now they do the heavy lifting in terms of giving me joy and reasons to live. I’ll survive without them (hopefully that’ll never happen!) but it’ll be a major shift, to put it mildly.
ari
Posted by: Ari Koinuma on July 10th, 2008 at 3:10 pmRecently made a change in my career from one type of healing to another, and suddenly realized I really needed more secure and reliable anchoring to even begin to feel like a benign conduit, and not get sucked into the twirling energies of my clients.
Posted by: Patricia on July 10th, 2008 at 5:09 pmNeeded clearing and self/hypnosis, meditation really helped.
Whenever I recognized that I was being pulled into a spin, identifying the pattern of what caused the spin and then using self-hypnosis to meet with guides, or remember, replay, and allow wisdom in, really has changed the fear of spinning into almost a bliss, as it is an opportunity to learn.
Definitely daily meditation, as you say, you are your own best anchor.
WOW guys, thanks for all the great responses. I was off today enjoying one of my anchors– GOLF. Man there is nothing better then being out in the green on a day like today…thanks again!
Posted by: Todd on July 10th, 2008 at 5:30 pmTodd
[…] Todd Goldfarb returns from a short blogging break with a personal and insightful article, How to Cope When You Lose An ‘Anchor’. […]
Posted by: Book Giveaway Winners & Link Karma | PickTheBrain | Motivation and Self Improvement on July 11th, 2008 at 2:18 pmMy anchor is pretty lingerie. Backseam stockings. My corset.
Forget boyfriends! I just want a bullet bra.
Love,
Posted by: Katie Bird on July 11th, 2008 at 4:10 pmKatie Bird
Todd, it is great to have you writing again. I too have had quite a break with everything going on in my life and am so happy that I have great anchors around me. I can not even imagine how it would be to loose on of the greatest anchors in my life, my wife, but you are exactly right about the biggest being with in ourselves. I hope you get back to more regular writing, because you are a great inspiration to me as to many others I’m sure!
Posted by: Brad Baggett on July 11th, 2008 at 9:47 pmOne of the biggest surprises of my adult life was realizing how strong of an anchor a pet can be. Having another creature being dependent on me has been very grounding.
In the end, I’d agree that I’m my own greatest anchor. Regardless of what comes in life, I can take it on and that gives me tremendous comfort and even some guts.
Posted by: Sara at On Simplicity on July 11th, 2008 at 11:55 pmI agree on Sara on Simplicity =) , on pets and urself
thankyou todd for writing those words.. i am always grateful for people that do what they do best to share it to the world =)
my anchor is my family and pets and i am grateful for that.. but i wish for sumone special (not nneone!) that is there 24/7. because sister and parents are different sometimes… they have their own lovers and you act towards your boyfriend differently than neone else….. i knoe that would be my real anchor….even if love might not last forever….i knoe that that NOW would be the best anchor ever =)
Posted by: Meg on July 13th, 2008 at 8:12 amhoping to meet my one
thank you.
Posted by: Jon Carl Lewis on July 14th, 2008 at 3:24 pmA good meesage , but like you I lost my wife and children in a bitter divorce. ( I was going through interferon treatments for four years, I wigged)
Posted by: Jef bueh on July 15th, 2008 at 4:13 pmI will always remember how my family gave me a firm and solid ground. Yet I miss them , I realize what I was anchored to was giving of myself.
No iI wont get them back , but I try daily to smile , compliment or talk to someone who is homeless.
In truth it is better to give than receive.
A great gift of sharing . Thank you
[…] Todd Goldfarb returns from a short blogging break with a personal and insightful article, How to Cope When You Lose An ‘Anchor’. […]
Posted by: Book Giveaway Winners & Link Karma | improvementology.com Blog on July 25th, 2008 at 4:07 am